Election Day Special!

As a democrat (small "d," as in, one who believes in democracy), I always get excited when Election Day rolls around. Of course I care who wins, but as a student of politics I'm almost as, if not more interested in the election process itself.

Election Day is the time to reflect on the triumph that is democracy, where each man counts as one vote and wherein people have a say in who is to govern them. No man will rule simply by status of their birth or claim to divine right. We, the American people, have dissolved the political bands which have connected us with another, and assumed among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle us. (I wrote that.)

But looking around the world, so many countries are not blessed with a free government wherein the government is of the people, by the people and for the people.

The Threat to Freedom

That's right, I'm talking about England. But not merely England. Many countries in Europe are still under the thumb of despotism. England (and thus Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland), Spain, Belgium, Sweden, Norway, the Netherlands, Monaco, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg and Denmark are all currently ruled by a king, queen or prince. For centuries, these nations, these people, have been told that they must submit to rule by a monarch simply because that monarch was born to a particular family.

I believe that no man or wman is better than any other, and no one has any more right to rule over another without deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. Yet, what do we see? Huddled masses yearning to breathe free under the rule of despotic hereditary regimes.

There are only two options.

To Throw off Such Government

It's time for the people of Europe to rise up and cast loose the chains of oppression and sieze hold of their destiny and their own political fortunes. The people of these nations must order guillotines from France and carry on in the tradition of the great democratic revolutions of the past. Liberty must ring from the Iberian Peninsula to the Arctic Circle.

Now, you may say: "Graham, Europe has parliaments and presidents and stuff and the kings and queens don't really have much power." To that I say: The acknowledgement of superiority is there and that acknowledgement is an unecessary supression of rights! People are being forced to acknowledge some king, queen or prince as their ruler, their head of state, without any say in it!

The princes of Belgium, Prince Philippe, Duke of Brabant and Prince Laurent are both in the Belgian military. Now, the Belgian military is pretty small and slots for elite units are correspondingly rare. Prince Philippe is in the Air Force... and the Army. In the Air Force he is a fighter pilot, and he is a commando and paratrooper in the Army. His brother, Prince Laurent, is in the Navy and is a helicopter pilot and a diver. He was presented his diving badge was presented to him during a parade in Brugges. Now, I've met some divers in the Belgian navy and they totally didn't get their pins during a parade.

Also, in the Belgian Navy there are three, count 'em, three, helicopters. One of the slots as a pilot, and there are very few, has gone to the Prince, simply because he is a prince. Tell me how that is fair. Some Belgian kid wants to be a commando in the Belgian Army, but he can't. Why? Because the crown prince is busy parachuting out of his fighter into enemy territory to blow up the bridge on the River Kwai, while his brother is fast-roping out of his helo into the water to explore the hulk of the Titanic. Sorry kids, you can't do something cool, the princes are busy doing it all.

That is wrong.

That is wrong because it is abridging man's inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, which may include becoming a Belgian commando.

Or, take Prince Harry of England for example. Turns out he recently did really well on some college entry tests and won a place at Sandhurst, the British Military Academy. Surprised? Oh, and his big brother, Prince William, graduated first in his class from Eaton Prep School. Are you gonna give the future king a B? Not if you value your future as a British citizen.

Now, as you rightly say, the kings and queens of the Continent (and the Isles) don't have much power any more. News regarding the royal family is now limited to whether Prince Harry is a party boy or not. The queen can't pass laws, cut off heads or anything like that, and that leads me to my second option for the monarchy.

Off With Their Heads

Until the 1800's, monarchs were busy being awesome. It was common to see a king marry one of his sons to some princess from someplace else so that when the prince came to the throne, the kingdom would gain the princess' (now the queen's) territory. Spain once owned the Netherlands. England owned most of France. Germany and Italy were both huge messes. Also, within royal families there used to be all kinds of back-door deals.

Dukes and Lords would conspire to kill the monarch and take power, the princes would raise armies to fight each other, and land and power was shifting hands on a daily basis.

That was cool stuff. I think democracy took root because our Founding Fathers were freakin bored. Can you imagine the leaflets coming across the Atlantic: "Verily, today the Prince went on a date. Could this be truest affectation for our dear Prince?" I'd start a revolution too. Or look at France: "King Louis buys a new painting for his overly-oppulent palace, full story on page 6." No wonder they threw the most enormously confusing and crazy revolution ever!

If the monarchs of Europe are going to continue in place, they ought to start being interesting. It used to be the world's greatest reality show (remember when the Czar, the King of England and the Kaiser of Germany were all cousins? And then they all went to war? That was World War One and that was the last time they did something massively crazy, their last gasp for air). Now only the tabloids care.

Here's how to inject some life into the kingdoms of Europe:

Prince Charles has got to poison the Queen. She's been around waaaay too long. Also, Prince William and Prince Harry need to start raising armies to kill each other, and maybe their dad too. And then the Prince who wins needs to marry the princess of Sweden. If she was queen of America, you'd see people shredding the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson would rise from the grave and do it himself.

Okay, so then, Sweden becomes part of England. Norway and Denmark, resenting the Anglo-Saxon rule, harkening back centuries to the Norman invasion of England, unite and attack England. Meanwhile, King Juan Carlos of Spain is running around snapping up principalities like Monaco and Luxembourg by marrying his kids to theirs. So now Spain surrounds Democratic France and could maybe invade to supress the rabble there. Also, they should take over Portugal, cause, why not?

And then some duke in Belgium (hopefully my friend Olivier who has decided that he's going to be an "evil Duke") will sieze the throne and invade the Netherlands, because Belgium used to be part of the Netherlands, so Belgium should get a shot runing the show.

And of course, religion has to come into play, for old time's sake. England is, of course, Anglican, Spain is Catholic, as is Andorra and Monaco. The northern monarchies are Protestant (nominally anyway). So now Spain can call on the Pope (and if he opposes, they can poison him and install their own Pope), or the Pope can poison the king of Spain, 'cause poisoning John Paul would be kinda mean, and he speaks, like, forty languages, and that's cool.

What we'd see would be a resurgance in knights, dons, dukes, lords and other fruity titles, cloak-and-dagger diplomacy and confusing maps of Europe.

Think about how cool this would be to watch. It'd be so much better than reading: "Princess Victoria goes on date with football player" in the news (football means "soccer" in Swedish).

Action, adventure, conspiracy, drama, decapitations.

It's what election day is all about.