A Family Tragedy (Not really, but it seems like it)

Well, more sad news from the Scarbro camp...

For my entire life, my dad has sported some sort of facial hair. In the 70's it was a beard, when the Navy still allowed such things, and then in the 80's, and thus as long as I've known him, a moustache.

The bespectacled, mustachioed image of my father is one of the great constants of the universe. The O's will always collapse after the All Star Game, F = ma, Motown Records is the greatest record label ever, my dad has a totally awesome 'stache.

My dad's moustache ranks alongside history's most famous moustaches: Ulysses S. Grant, Albert Einstein, Josef Stalin, the Beatles, Burt Reynolds, and oh yeah, Jesus Christ, all had moustaches, and look what they've done for humanity!

Some of history's greatest men: They all have one thing in common...

But now, calamity, tragedy, horror and despair! My dad has, for some reason, shaved his moustache!!!

An image of a happier era, now gone...

Yes, dear readers, my father, who many of you know for his irrepressible humor, incredible intelligence and sporty facial hair, had changed his face forever and has shaved his whiskers and now they are no more. His reasons are unknown. Perhaps he was so heartbroken about the cancelled NHL season. Maybe he's planning on running a race and is going for an aerodynamic look. Maybe he's just in his rebellious 50's phase that so many people go through. Whatever the reason, they don't justify this act of barbarism!

France's Cardinal Richlieu protests Dad's new look

My dad's moustache did not merely belong to him, but to the American people! It's common knowledge that my dad's 'stache helped bring down the Berlin Wall, create the Internet, win Michael Phelps his gold medals, and film the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. It's a national monument like Bunker Hill, Abe Lincoln's birthplace, the Empire State Building or Fenway Park! Though a part of his face, that moustache was a part of our hearts.

"Why didst thou shave thy fair whiskers? This is a tragedy even I could not imagine," exclaims the mustachioed Bard.

The response from the family has been overwhelmingly con. My mother exclaimed: "I've never seen his face before! But he does look a lot younger..." Who wants a dad that looks younger? He's supposed to look old and wise and crap... My brother Kyle said: "I couldn't look at him when he talked to me, I wasn't sure if it was really him." My younger brother Ben (still single, because he can't pick just one) broke down and wept. We haven't heard from Ben in weeks.

Che and DaVinci are in shock too. "¿Por qué señor Scarbro? ¡Eso era el bigote del pueblo!" cries the revolutionary. DaVinci can only sigh: "Mama mia..."

And so, Internet-a-holics, we need your help. If you want my dad's tradmark moustache to return, post a comment here and help bring back a great American tradition. Maybe my dad will read the two or three comments this post might get (from my mom most likely) and grow it back. If you love my family, and if you love America, you'll ask my dad to grow it back.

"A vote for the moustache is a vote for America," says Teddy Roosevelt

A rarely-known fact: Washington and Jefferson both wanted to grow 'staches, but couldn't. It haunted them for the rest of their lives.

Abe Lincoln grew a moustache while writing the greatest speech in American history. Coincidence? I doubt it.