They Know Everything

This one is dedicated to all my brothers out there...

Have you ever felt like girls know everything about you? Have you ever felt like girls know what you're going to say before you say it? Have you ever wondered if girls share all your deep dark embarrassing secrets with one another?

Well, I have news for you, dudes: They do.

Since the dawn of the Internet Age, females around the world have been conspiring together to create a global network of shared information. This network was completed before the turn of the Century and it was dubbed:

That's right, GirlNet.

For the first time, I, a male, a man, a dude, a guy, a boy, a chico, an XY chromosome pair, have infiltrated GirlNet in order to expose the conspiracy.

Realize, men, that I am putting my life at risk by revealing the existence of GirlNet. Don't get me wrong, the girls won't actually kill me, no, no, they'll do something worse: rob me of my life.

You see, GirlNet is comprehensive network of information about every boy on the planet. Every girl has a login and password, issued to her at birth (with the completion of the network) and after every encounter with every boy they ever have, they log on to GirlNet and input information about that boy. Here's an example:

Boy: "Hey, Girl, what's up?"
Girl: "Nothing, Boy. How do you like my Justin Timberlake shirt?"
Boy: "Man, he's gay, I hate that crap. But, no offense."

Later, back at Girl's house...

Girl boots up her computer and enters her secret GirlNet ID and password. She finds Boy's profile and enters: "Boy hates Justin Timberlake and wouldn't compliment my shirt."

This information is now in Boy's profile forever. Now every girl he ever dates, likes, thinks about, talks to, looks at or dreams about will be able to log on to GirlNet and find out just what Girl said about him back when he was 13.

Now, men, I know that you're thinking: "What does it matter what I did when I was 13?"

Obviously, you've never had a girlfriend.

GirlNet allows every girl everywhere to know anything about you as fast as her 28.8 modem will connect her to the web. This should explain how girls seem to know everything about your past, including things you don't know or forgot. "Hey Grant, how did it feel when you were 12 and you wet your bed every night for a year?"

Of course, GirlNet isn't just a weapon for female tyranny. If you're a good dude, you can score big points on GirlNet. As a guy who had a lot of female friends in in High School, I made out like a bandit. In case you don't remember, high school was when guys were jerks and being a bad boy was cool because no one thought about how you eventually have to do something with your life.

So, while other guys in high school were driving super hot cars and going to parties and trying to get with cheerleaders by being boneheads, I was driving a crappy Dodge Caravan, being a nerd and hanging out with girls because all the guys were losers.

You learn a lot by having a lot of female friends, like, how not to be a jerk to girls. This is a lesson most guys are learning to this day. But by the end of high school, I had it down. I'm not the only one, my brothers have done alright and so has Scott Patterson, who, I think every girl I know thinks is a great guy. The result has been great ratings for me, my two brothers and Scott on GirlNet. Other high marks have been scored by Travis Ervin and Gus Bennett.

The key is: don't be a freaking jerk. The other girls will find out. They will know about how you talked about your "ho's" in high school and about how you treated that cheerleader or the nerdy girl you made fun of every day (who is probably, by the way, really hot today). They know.

And now, men, I give you the key to getting a five star rating on GirlNet. There are just three simple rules to remember:

1. Never ask a lady about her weight or age.
2. Never go through a lady's purse or other belongings without permission. Even if she says it's okay before you ask, ask anyway.
3. When a lady says no, it means no.

Trust me guys, follow these three rules and you'll be set. Remember, these rules trump every other rule you may have developed in your own relationships with girls. If you're dating a somewhat liberated girl and she says not to pull out chairs or open doors for her, that means no. Trying to be chivalrous in that situation will only make you a pig.

Okay, so that's how you can score yourself a positive rating on GirlNet. But GirlNet has another, more sinister side that men need to know about.

Have you ever noticed that girls, whenever they have problems with each other always go and pull up the meanest, nastiest secrets about each other? Well, that's the second reason why GirlNet came into being.

Yes, the network allows girls to keep tabs on boys, but they also let them keep tabs on each other. Next time two girls have a problem, see if past relationships don't come up.

When boys have a problem, it's like Braveheart or Glory or something. One guy is on one side, one guy is on the other. They have it out on some windy field like men and the one left standing is the winner. This is all metaphorical, by the way, dudes.

When girls have problems, it's like Vietnam. They sneak into each other's camps, steal their friends, learn their secrets, their habits, their faults, and then they begin a covert war on each other to drain the morale, hope and willingness to live of their foe. Whichever girl commits suicide first loses. That sentence is mostly metaphor.

So, GirlNet was invented to bring the era of networked warfare to girls' conflicts with each other. What is a weapon for the protection of girls from boys in peacetime is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of a vengeful female with a score to settle. Keep that in mind guys; you can't stop them, you can't even hope to contain them, you just have to let the battle run its course. Remember, any attempt to intervene goes into the network, and if you're on the side of the losing girl, you're screwed. Good luck ever getting a date again.

Now, many of you may want to bring up GirlNet with your female friends. Fat chance. Girls have been trained since birth (before the computer network, I should mention, there were giant bound volumes in every women's restroom in the world) to deny the existence of GirlNet. They operate by a series of rules themselves:

1. There is no GirlNet.
2. Do not talk about GirlNet with other girls, ever, you never know when a male may be listening.
3. Do not believe anything any boy says, ever, unless you have verified it on GirlNet.
4. The security of GirlNet comes first. If your boyfriend discovers it, dump him or make his life miserable to throw him off the trail.
5. There is no GirlNet.

My one hope for salvation in disclosing GirlNet to the world is rule number 3. No girl will believe that I have discovered the existence of GirlNet until it is logged on the network. So until some girl discovers this site and decides that it's worth putting on GirlNet, I'm safe. But once that happens, men, I will become a martyr for our cause. Rule number 4 applies to me; and any day now, Jamie may spring in to action to stifle the truth.

But have no fear, men, until I breathe my last I will uphold the truth and devote myself to telling men everywhere about the secret female conspiracy. Obey the three rules, guys, be nice to chicks (I would recommend not saying "chicks;" my life is forfeit any way, so I can get away with it), and remember, when it seems like they know everything, it's because they do.

As a parting gift, my brothers, I leave to you this web address:

http://www.geocities.com/thegirlnet/Login.html

Type in "1013662568" as the user name and as the password enter "ILoveGrahamMoreThanAnything." Press submit and see for yourself the existence of GirlNet. By the way, this is my girlfriend's login, and you men have to know that I violated rule number 3 (if you don't know it by heart, go study the three rules again) to get it. It hurt, but I had to in order to get the truth out.

GirlNet is real. They will deny it, but you have to know. I may never date another girl again in my life, but it's the truth that makes the sacrifice worth that risk.