My Dad Could Beat Up Ken Jennings

CNN.com - Record 'Jeopardy' run ends - Dec 1, 2004

Kurtzilla versus Mecha-Kenzilla

Well, even though I am currently sans TV, I've heard all about Ken Jennings and his Jeopardy wake of destruction.

Personally, I'm not scared of him. I'm way more of a nerd than he is, and more than I, my father is the king. My dad knows more random garbage than anyone in the Universe. That includes Ken Jennings and Justin Pullen (who I consider nearly my intellectual equal, nearly).

The thing about my dad is this: He doesn't need $2.5 million to prove that he's a genius. Of course, my mom would say that $2.5 million couldn't hurt, but we know that it's not about the money. It's about making other people look dumb.

And that's why my dad never flew to California, put on his thinking cap, and took on the Jennings Behemoth. That's right, Dad's too nice a guy. Dad's the guy who always taught my brothers and I useless stuff rather than flaunting it in our faces. He's the guy who, when someone said something blatantly wrong would just shrug his shoulders and think, "Well, not everyone is as smart as I am."

It's true.

I, on the other hand, have no such qualms. The problem is twofold. The first is clearly that I have not had the necessary life experience to devote sufficient time to learning useless trivia. If Jennings had kept winning for another five years, you would have seen Kurtzilla Jr. rise from the sea (how fitting an image) and slay the evil Mecha-Kenzilla. Unfortunately, Jennings only lasted 74 episodes. My theory: He knew I was coming and he bailed before I got to him.

The other problem is that I am unwilling to upstage my dear old dad. Call me old fashioned, but no son should make himself look smarter than his old man while the old man's brain is still sharp as a tack. My dad is too wily and spry for me to comfortably upstage him. However, I'm betting that after Christmas when he has all three of his sons home for the first time in six months, we will sufficiently overload his capacity to reason. Then my quest for Jeopardy glory can begin.

But for now, I'm content in knowing that my dad could have taken out Jennings at any time. He's just too nice a guy.